Nobody likes salmon. Salmon is the food enjoyed by passive aggressive people the world over. I’ll go out to eat with you, but I refuse to have fun. You eat your burger, I’ll get the salmon down on here on the bottom of the menu. It was your idea to eat here, enjoy your pork chop but I refuse to give you the pleasure of watching me have fun.
Even the name comes with that built in sneer. It’s “sa.” I’m going to have the Saaa….The sneer, and ends with the em and the en together so you have to close your mouth. M and N. Two sounds that require a closed mouth, back-to-back just to get the message.'
It looks like it might be a fun word to say when you see it down there with the salads and the half portion options. It’s that L in the word, right in the center. S-A-L-M-O-N. Salmon. You don’t get to say the L. L for love. L is for Lust. Laughs. Life. In salmon, all that is silent.
You’re an even worse person if you buy salmon in a store. Are you going to buy farm raised salmon or fresh caught salmon? I know one makes you better a person than someone who buys the other, but I refuse to look it and find out which is which. If you know, you know, and you’re probably a lousy dinner companion.
That white purulent goo by the way, the gross stuff everyone pretends isn’t on the fish you just served them and they have to scrape off just to choke it down, is called “albumin.” So there you go, if you want to sound like an erudite picky eater now you finally get to say a fun word with a hard L. Albumin. You can remember it because it sounds like, “I’ll be spewin’.”
Anyway, bon appetite.
I’m Dan Libman, a name with an em and en but a very present L also. Libman. And that’s my perspective.
