Psychologists say that we’re experiencing an epidemic of family estrangements. Adult children have no contact with their parents, siblings cut each other off, and families even split up over the Orange Guy.
Sometimes, of course, it’s necessary. Yet there is near unanimity among mental health professionals that, unless there is serious ongoing abuse, family estrangement is unhealthy for everyone involved. Some go so far as to say that therapists who recommend or endorse estrangement are engaging in malpractice. One phrase used to describe this behavior is “weaponizing boundaries.”
Healthy boundaries—protecting areas of life in which we won’t allow intrusion from family and friends—are essential to our mental health. But their use to hurt those whom for whatever reason we’ve determined are “toxic” causes indescribable pain and stress. People who cut others off are essentially saying, “Everything that’s problematic with our relationship is your fault.” They also casually throw around the armchair diagnosis of “narcissism.” But what’s more self-centered than deciding one’s own feelings are the only ones that matter, regardless of who gets hurt?
It takes much more energy and causes much more anxiety to maintain grudges than it does to forgive and settle differences with loved ones. People who initiate estrangements may fear difficult conversations, but no therapist recommends passive aggression, cruelty, or avoidance as relief from anxiety.
Before initiating a separation or trying to maintain one, ask yourself if rejecting our families really is the best way to heal.
I’m Taylor Atkins and that’s my perspective.
