You have probably heard it before…we all have: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” It is one of those rhymes parents teach their children as a way to help them weather the cut-throat and hostile Hobbesian environment that is the playground.
But it is just wrong. Names—and words generally—can indeed hurt. This is because the assigning of names is never a nominal activity or a neutral act of simple designation. Naming is an act of power. The principal task given to Adam in the Genesis narrative is that of naming the animals. And by this seemingly simple act, he is given domination over all of creation. So, names definitely matter. And this is true even for really small ones, like pronouns.
When we make assumptions about another person’s pronouns, it is an asymmetrical imposition of power and privilege, one which says, in effect, “I have decided that I get to determine who you are.” Conversely, when we defer to others and ask them their choice of pronoun, we recognize their right to determine for themselves how they would like to be identified. It’s a seemingly small difference, but it makes all the difference.
No matter what side of the culture wars you find yourself on, this is one thing we should be able to agree upon. Names matter, and letting others have the power to decide for themselves how we refer to them is a small gesture that has large and lasting consequences.
