Thanksgiving is supposed to be a day of gratitude and connection, but for many of us, it’s anything but that.
It’s a holiday that can be stressful; complex family dynamics often become a powder keg when we gather around the table for turkey and stuffing.
So, what do you do if you think you just can’t handle another Thanksgiving with your family? How do you prepare for it?
“A lot of these people that you see at Thanksgiving are people that you love,” said Jeff Guenther, a licensed therapist based in Portland, Oregon, who goes by Therapy Jeff on TikTok and Instagram.
“So, if somebody says something to you and you feel like it’s provoking you and you don’t want to get into it, then you should plan different things to say like, ‘I love you too much to argue with you today,’ or, ‘Wow, we see that very differently. Pass the potatoes,’” Guenther said.
It’s also important to remember that you aren’t going to be able to change anyone’s mind if hot-button issues like politics come up, Guenther says.
“You’re not going to change anyone’s core belief system between the appetizer and pumpkin pie,” he said. “You think you might, but your uncle is also trying to change your opinion, and he’s not going to be successful, just like you’re not going to be successful in changing his. So, the goal today is mostly survival and maybe connection if it’s offered in a genuine way, not conversion.”
5 tips with Therapy Jeff
Try ‘gray rocking.’
“Gray rocking was actually created for people that needed to be around folks that had a narcissistic personality disorder, but it also works for Thanksgiving family members. So gray rocking is when you are just deliberately as boring, uninteresting and unresponsive as a gray rock, basically. So, when a difficult family member tries to provoke you or fish for a reaction — you know who those family members are — you give them nothing. You become like a brick wall. So essentially, you’re using one-word answers. You just say, ‘OK,’ or ‘That’s interesting.’ Like you’re intentionally being the most boring person in the room, so that they lose interest and move on to someone else.
“If [people are] genuinely interested in you and want to talk about something that feels really neutral or fun or positive, then you don’t have to be a gray rock. But if you feel like they’re baiting you when it comes to politics or your core beliefs or values that are important to you, you turn into a gray rock.”
Stay in your wise mind.
“One of the things that lots of therapists talk about when you go to counseling is figuring out, are you in your wise mind? And the wise mind part of you is located literally in the frontal lobe. It’s the very logical part of your mind where you can see different perspectives, connect with your compassion.
“Or are you being hijacked by your limbic system, which is run by the amygdala, which is like in your brain stem, right in the back of your brain? And that’s the fight, flight, freeze or fawn, and that’s when you feel like there’s a lot of danger, whether it’s emotional or physical danger. And usually, we can tell which part of our brain we’re connected to. If you can basically stay in the wise mind part of your brain and see different perspectives, you’re OK. If you can’t see different perspectives and you’re starting to see red, you’re not OK. You need to take a break.”
Be helpful and take breaks.
“Being helpful is one of the best shields. So doing the dishes, clearing the table, doing the errands, so going out of the house and getting more ice, cranberries, whipped cream, it buys you 20 minutes of silence in the car. Do not forget that there’s probably a children’s table, and children usually have much better emotional regulation than adults that are talking politics. So, spend time with the kids, go play with the dog. And know that you can always take a break and go to the bathroom. Usually, the bathroom is the only door that actually locks. You should use that lock if you need to.”
Connect with others who may be feeling anxious.
“A lot of times, just going up to that person and gently naming the emotional state that you see them in is like a really good way to connect with folks. So, you can say, ‘Oh, you’re feeling really anxious. Do you want to talk?’ Or, ‘It seems like you’re feeling a little overwhelmed. Let’s go outside together and you want to get some air.’ Or ‘Have you seen this dog. It is the friendliest dog in the world. Can you play with it with me?’ So just sort of like going up and emotionally validating their emotional state. And then giving them a little out or a little way to connect with you is usually a really great way to go.”
Don’t go to dinner if it feels like too much.
“You have permission from a therapist to not attend. I think that, you know, if the cost of admission to Thanksgiving dinner is your mental health or your emotional safety, then the price is just way too high. I also think that the tradition is lovely, but I don’t think that it should come at the expense of your well-being. And it’s also OK to start a new tradition this year, even if that tradition is ordering takeout and watching a movie in your pajamas. I feel like that’s pretty punk rock. There’s Friendsgiving for a reason. I stopped attending my Thanksgiving, and it basically came down to, it feels a lot better to be around friends I love and who love me and accept me for who I am.
“I always felt incredibly disconnected from my family of origin, and I oftentimes saw that I was turning into a completely different person in order to earn their love or attention, and there was nothing I could do in order to please them. And so — when I decided to stay home — I moved from [Los Angeles] to Portland about 20 years ago, but 10 years ago I decided to not attend Thanksgiving, and it was one of the most liberating, peaceful times I’d ever had, and I never went back.”
This interview was lightly edited for clarity.
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Samantha Raphelson produced and edited this interview for broadcast with Catherine Welch. Raphelson also adapted it for the web.
This article was originally published on WBUR.org.
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